The quest to perfection

Well, not me. Not anymore.

The bar has always been high for me. Either because I set it that way or because I thought it was set that way.

I confess: I got exhausted of chasing that.

Little vase with flowers inside - Photo by Simone Azevedo

Years ago I watched a TED Talk where the speaker asked people to raise their hands if they had childhood dreams. 100% raised their hands.

Then he asked how many have reached the dream. I think around 70%.

Then he asked if those were happy now. Few, very few.

It is this rabbit hole. The more you get, the farthest the dream seems to be.

Recently I spoke with a healthcare provider who asked if my stress from when I was working (before April 2019) has gone completely. I said no. I (self-diagnosed) have PTSD which usually manifests when I drive over the BU bridge. My heartbeat goes up. I get anxious. It can be to meet friends for dinner. The only way to avoid it is to avoid the BU bridge.

This person told me the vast majority of her patients who complain about stress and quit their jobs, think they are “cured” after few months and, inevitably, they go to see her because of symptoms they don’t identify as stress.

Another day I started a list of things that make me happy or make me uncomfortable. Note that I avoided calling them “make me unhappy” because it really is one of the lessons I am learning: being uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily make me sad.

Next step: what can I control on the list of uncomfortable things: 5 out of 8 things.

Well, why am I concerned about the 3 other things I cannot control?

That’s when I realized (not for the first time) that I need to stop setting the bar so high. That it is ok to “let go”. Or it is ok to just don’t care about that anymore.

Easily said than done in many ways but recognizing that was a big step for me.

As I look into my pottery, I also paid attention to some of the pieces that I love but wouldn’t feel “sellable”. Maybe a bowl that warped a bit. Or the glaze could have come slightly darker.

I asked myself why we try to shape things to be perfect. We have this obsession to be the best person, the best parents, to raise perfect kids, lead our teams flawlessly.

Honestly, I’m tired. And for those of you who think “all you do is a success”, no you are wrong.

I don’t think people realize how this makes me (us?) feel lonely, under pressure, a failure to meet the high bar.

I’m not sure about you, but I want friends who are there for me (and to be there for them) when I fail and when I am successful at my own terms, I want a community where we can support each other, be kind, respectful.

I want to ask for help and actually get help, instead of “but you don’t need help, you are a superstar already”.

Take my word: we all need help and support.

Yes, reach out if you need my help. Let’s normalize empathy and kindness.